


Cold Pastoral

by spaletrees23



Category: All the Pretty Horses - Cormac McCarthy
Genre: 1950s, Books, Cowboys, Feel-good, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Subtext
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:21:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27451159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaletrees23/pseuds/spaletrees23
Summary: It gets cold on the way to Mexico. Literally just fluff. Canon-compliant, mostly. Title is from Keats’ ode to a Grecian urn. Might update, please comment if you enjoy!
Relationships: John Grady Cole/Lacey Rawlins
Comments: 10
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

The night was cold. Blevins had just left them and they’d settled in before the big cedar tree fire they’d built. The deermeat hung cooking on the sticks they’d skewered into the ground and coyotes howled in the distance. The chill of the air and the sad emptiness of not knowing what had happened to the outlaw boy hung thick like the smoke above them. John Grady pulled his handkerchief about his neck like a scarf to keep the wind off.  
You’re shivering, he said to Rawlins.  
It’s pretty damn cold, said Rawlins. He was sitting with his arms around his knees, his coat zipped up and his hat pulled down low. John Grady could barely see his face even with the firelight bouncing off of it.  
Yeah, said John Grady. Pretty damn cold.  
You reckon Blevins is all right? asked Rawlins.  
I hope so.  
Me too.  
John Grady got up. He rummaged through his saddlebags for the last packet of koolaid and their canteens. There was still some water in them and he poured the water from his into Rawlins’ and walked back to the fire. He put the koolaid in his pocket.  
What are you doin? said Rawlins.  
Heatin up some water.  
What for?  
Well it’d warm us up if we drank somethin hot. We don’t have no coffee but we do have koolaid. It cain’t be that bad hot, can it?  
Rawlins nodded, still looking at the fire. I guess we’ll find out, huh? he said.  
John Grady set the canteen over the fire on the racks they were using to cook the deermeat. He sat back down. In a few minutes he could hear the water begin to boil and he pulled the canteen off by the strap and let it cool before tearing open the packet and pouring in the powder. He shook it up and unscrewed the cap and blew inside.  
Smells good, said Rawlins.  
John Grady grinned. He took a swig and clapped his hand to his mouth.  
Damn, he said. That’s hot.  
Rawlins laughed. Give me some of that, he said.  
John Grady passed him the koolaid. Rawlins drank and sat holding the canteen. It ain’t so bad, he said. Good idea.  
They passed the canteen between them until they finished it and sat looking at the dying embers of the fire. John Grady noticed Rawlins was still rubbing his shoulders from the cold. His breath pooled before him. John Grady scooted closer to him and took him into a little half hug. Rawlins stiffened. He looked at John Grady.  
Bud? he said.  
I figured if you were cold and the koolaid didn’t help maybe this would, said John Grady.  
Oh. Well. I guess that’s pretty smart. Are you cold?  
Not so much now.  
Rawlins seemed to need to process this. That’s good, he said.  
John Grady felt Rawlins tentatively put his arm around him. He snuggled closer and rested his head on Rawlins’ shoulder. He could feel it rise and fall with the gentle rocking of each breath.  
Are you still cold? John Grady whispered.  
Uh uh, said Rawlins.  
That’s good.  
Do you mind this? Hugging, I mean?  
I wouldn’t do it if I minded it, would I?  
I guess not.  
Do you?  
No. It don’t feel bad at all.  
Good.  
Stars are awful pretty tonight, said Rawlins.  
Yeah. They sure are.  
They sat, hugging and breathing quietly. Listening to the gentle rustling of the horses and the yapping of the coyotes. John Grady looked at Rawlins. The dim glow of the coals lit up the smooth lines of his face. He looked up at the stars. A million points of light in the sky, buzzing and flickering like his heart. They didn’t move or speak and in a while he said Rawlins’ name and when he didn’t answer he realized he’d fallen asleep. He tried to wiggle away and stand up quietly.  
Bud? said Rawlins sleepily.  
Damn, said John Grady. I didn’t mean to wake you.  
Rawlins rubbed his eyes. Shit. I didn’t realize I fell asleep.  
It’s okay. I was just goin to clean up and go to sleep myself.  
No, me too. Damn.  
They tidied up the camp and spread their bedrolls. John Grady took off his coat and shivered as he set his boots down next to his blankets. He laid down and pulled the blanket up to his neck.  
John Grady? said Rawlins when he’d gotten settled.  
Yeah?  
You think we’ll find work down here?  
Course we will.  
We ain’t just goin to keep runnin like this are we?  
We’ll find somewhere.  
I hope you’re right.  
If you’re worried about running into another Blevins I reckon that was a once in a lifetime experience.  
I hope so. Nothing against the boy. You know what I mean though.  
Yeah, said John Grady. We’ll find work anyway.  
What if there ain’t no cattle work?  
This is Mexico. There’s cattle work. We’re goin to be real cowboys, just like we always wanted. You take my word for it.  
Rawlins smiled up at the stars. All right, he said.


	2. Chapter 2

They made some thirty miles the next day. The air wasn’t hot but the sun was, beating down on their backs relentlessly. When they found a creek they quit for the day. Rawlins rinsed the koolaid out of his canteen and rolled a smoke. They still had some deermeat and they ate it for supper with the nopal fruits they’d found. John Grady planned their route out of the mountains. They’d take a switchbacked pass and then they would be in the farmland, he told Rawlins. Rawlins decided it was a good plan and they agreed to leave early in the morning. 

In the night it was cold again. The desert temperatures were violently changeable and all they had were their flannel shirts and their slickers, their hats and their blankets. When they’d doused the fire John Grady undressed and got into his bedroll. When he looked over at Rawlins he saw him staring stiffly at the sky, teeth chattering.   
Lacey, are you cold again? he said.   
Yeah. Rawlins turned to face him. I reckon maybe I ain’t built for this weather, he said.   
Maybe not, said John Grady, laughing. I can hear you shivering all the way over here.   
Hush.   
Come on over here. We’ll be warmer. Like yesterday.   
I don’t-  
John Grady held up his blanket. Come on before I freeze to death, he said.   
Rawlins looked at him like he didn’t know what to do. Finally he stood and lowered himself down next to John Grady. He was still shivering, from the cold and from being nervous. John Grady tucked the blanket about their shoulders.   
You okay? he said.   
Rawlins nodded.   
You were probably smart wearing moren just shorts, said John Grady.   
You could go put somethin else on if you wanted.   
Naw. I’ll be all right.   
Rawlins shifted. His arm bumped into John Grady’s. Shit, he said. Sorry.   
Don’t worry about it. It’s kindly tight quarters in here, said John Grady.   
They were quiet after that, just listening to the coyotes and the rush of the wind through the trees and each other’s shallow breathing. The fabric of Rawlins’ jeans was rough against John Grady’s bare legs. Rawlins shut his eyes. Go to sleep, he told himself. Just go to sleep. But this was no easy task. His mind was running wild. He kept his eyes closed and stayed still taking in the scent and the warmth and the presence of the moment, and finally he did fall asleep. 

When John Grady woke he was laying with his head on Rawlins’ shoulder, his arm thrown across his chest. The rough blanket was twisted around their waists. Rawlins was still asleep, his collar askew from turning in the night. John Grady blinked in the daylight. His head felt heavy and his heart was pounding, though he couldn’t figure out why. He looked at Rawlins. He still looked like a desperado, but a happy one. John Grady grimaced upon the realization that they’d missed the dawn they were going to set out in. He managed to extricate himself without waking Rawlins and he left to get dressed. 

By noon that day they’d descended into the lowlands. The land lay green and resplendent like they had never seen in that country, or their own. They nooned at a little cove in the foothills. The water from the creek they’d followed pooled at the base of some cottonwoods forming a lush grove. They watered the horses and finished the jerky and moved on. At nightfall they were still riding, trying to find a place to lay up. They’d passed little houses and weren’t sure what was someone’s land and what wasn’t. Finally Rawlins pointed out some trees at the edge of a field and they headed over and dismounted. John Grady lit a cigarette.   
We’re real close to finding work, he said. I can feel it.   
Rawlins nodded. He took a puff on his own cigarette and blew out the smoke thoughtfully. You reckon they’s big ranches or small around here? he said.   
Some of both, I’d imagine, John Grady replied.   
Looks like tonight it’ll be fairly warm.   
That’s good.   
What we did last night was... good thinking.   
John Grady nodded. Rawlins had been studying him, couldn’t stop. How he ran his hand through his moonsilvered hair. How he grinned and looked away and how the stars lit up his face and the old scar on his cheek and the pale flannel shirt he wore. Finally Rawlins leaned and took John Grady by the arm and kissed him.  
John Grady’s eyes got wide. He was stock still for a moment, almost unsure of what to do. He pulled away.  
Lacey, he whispered. What are you doin?  
I don’t know, said Rawlins.   
Before John Grady knew either he was kissing back. He closed his eyes, felt Rawlins’ lips against his own, his broad shoulders under his hands. Rawlins dropped his cigarette. When they parted the moon seemed deliriously bright. John Grady looked at his boots. He looked back at Rawlins.   
What was that for? he said finally.   
Well. I reckon it just felt right.


	3. Chapter 3

In the days that followed they made their way south to the ranch country. John Grady was having an excellent time. As far as he was concerned, the land was pretty, the horses were handling themselves well, they had enough to eat, and that was enough. Kissing in the evenings didn’t hurt either. 

So what is this? Rawlins asked one night.   
Well, this is us, John Grady replied. We’re still best buds aint we?  
It don’t matter what we’re doin? said Rawlins.   
We’re just messin around. It don’t hurt nothin.   
Rawlins nodded. I guess it don’t. 

And then they reached La Purisima. John Grady really did want to stay for about a hundred years. Between the prosperity, the horses, and the girl, he was in heaven. He and Rawlins worked from sunup to sundown and loved every minute of it. The hacendado liked him and the work was what he’d dreamed of as long as he could remember. It was as if he’d carried out his grandfather’s legacy, even if he had to go to Mexico to do it. For Rawlins, however, things weren’t so easy. He found himself alone in a land where he didn’t even speak the language. Bits and pieces he picked up from the vaqueros, but nothing more. He felt John Grady slipping away, barely saw him anymore. And when he did he was quiet, his heart belonging to someone else. Whatever they’d had on the road was gone. Rawlins passed his days working quietly, trying to ignore how lonely he felt.

Mid summer John Grady had taken to staying out late with Alejandra. But when she went back to Mexico City the nights seemed cold and long. He’d finish his work and go in for supper and go back to his bunk and lay there til he fell asleep. It was a night like this and he was just about to blow out the lantern when he heard a knock at his cubicle door. He went to open it and found Rawlins standing there with a bag in his hand.   
Bud? said John Grady. He grabbed a shirt to throw on and stood rubbing his eyes. What are you doin here?  
Well, said Rawlins. I brought you somethin. Since it’s your birthday and all.   
John Grady paused. It ain’t my birthday, is it?  
Pretty sure it is. Rawlins laughed nervously. The sixteenth, aint it?  
Yeah. Is that today?  
Goddamn, bud. Where’ve you been? That’s definitely today, I checked the calendar this mornin.   
Damn, said John Grady. I guess I’m a little out of it. Come on in.   
They sat on John Grady’s bunk. Rawlins took off his hat and hung it on the bedpost. He’d combed his dark hair back neatly and he ran his hand through it to smooth it again.   
Go on, he said. Open the bag.   
John Grady did. Grinning, he pulled out a bottle of orange soda and a pack of cigarettes.   
Aw, bud, he said.   
It ain’t much, said Rawlins. I thought you might like it though.   
Is that a note in there? said John Grady.   
Oh. That was just for if you weren’t here. It ain’t important.   
John Grady pulled it out anyway. In a careful hand it read John Grady- Happy birthday bud. From Lacey. John Grady smiled as he folded the note back up.   
Come here, he said.   
The note crunched in his hand as they hugged.  
I missed you, Rawlins whispered.   
John Grady squeezed him tight and let go.   
When they parted Rawlins passed his sleeve across his eyes and smiled sadly at John Grady.   
I ought to go, he said, picking up his hat. It was good seein you.   
John Grady reached for the bag at his side. You don’t want to stay and split this soda with me? he said.   
Well. Rawlins sat back down. I reckon that would be nice.


	4. Chapter 4

Rawlins hadn’t fared well in the jail. Neither had John Grady, but at least he could tell himself he deserved it. Rawlins, on the other hand, was innocent. John Grady grimaced seeing Rawlins standing there when he came out of the shower. Acting like everything was fine and asking if they weren’t a couple of goodns even though his pale skin was bruised all over, his nose broken. Even though his belly bore angry red scars and the captain had done things to him he would never speak of.  
You ain’t done nothin bad, John Grady said to Rawlins when they were laying in bed.  
One time me and Lamont took a pickup truckload of feed and sold it to some Mexicans and kept the money.  
That ain’t the worst thing I ever heard of.  
I done some other stuff too.  
Like what?  
Rawlins didnt answer. He was laying with his hands folded over his chest and he shut his eyes as if he was in pain and then he looked at John Grady. John Grady put his hand on his shoulder.  
Come on. Don’t start cryin on me.  
I keep thinking about everything that happened. What all’s changed. It’s driving me crazy.  
It’s all right now.  
Is it?  
John Grady bit his lip. He didn’t know what to say.  
I’m sorry, he said. I’m really sorry. You know that, don’t you?  
Rawlins nodded. Yeah, he said. I know it.  
John Grady kissed Rawlins and looked at him. Rawlins’ eyes fluttered down and back up to meet John Grady’s. They kissed again, letting the taste of sweet regret and bitter sorrow linger on their lips.  
Bud, Rawlins muttered.  
Lacey.  
The stitches on John Grady’s cuts pulled and ached as he moved over top of Rawlins but it didn’t stop him. 

John Grady fell asleep in Rawlins’ arms. By that time they were tired and spent and aching both from the pain of their wounds and from the uncertainty of the future. He woke once in the night and lay rubbing Rawlins’ palm with his thumb, like he had done with Alejandra what felt like months before. The worn cotton sheets were exactly as they had been before they’d lain there, the pipes overhead just as loud. Somehow things seemed different. The way Rawlins said his name echoed in his mind. He touched the cuts on his stomach and checked his hands for blood and shut his eyes. Finally the cool dark swept over him and he fell asleep again.

When he woke the pale light was just beginning to come through the curtains. He shook Rawlins gently to wake him. Rawlins groaned and blinked at him and then he smiled.  
Mornin, he said.  
They dressed quietly and got ready to leave. John Grady stood at the sink shaving while Rawlins brushed his teeth. He sealed the envelope with the money in it and put it in his pocket and then they split up the items they’d bought at the farmacia.  
Are you all right? said Rawlins as John Grady was pulling on his boots.  
Course I’m all right, said John Grady. He stood.  
You don’t look like it.  
Don’t you worry about me.  
I’m goin to miss you, said Rawlins quietly as he picked up his hat.  
You’ll be all right.  
It ain’t me I’m worried about.  
John Grady paused at the door and turned. The sadness hit him then and he felt like the crepe paper wedding he’d seen, melting in the rain.  
Come here, he said.  
He felt Rawlins’ hat against his back as they hugged. He said he would be all right even if things didn’t go how he thought. He knew there was only a small chance that they would. Rawlins told him to be safe and John Grady said I done told you not to worry about me. But I will be. I’ll be safe. He laced their fingers together and kissed Rawlins once and then he just hung there with a hand on his shoulder.  
You ready? he said, looking up.  
Yeah, said Rawlins. I’m ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear readers, if y’all are still here (or if you’re not)... thanks, I hope you’re enjoying. :) I might have a couple more chapters to post and I’m doing them sort of quickly just bc things are a bit slow rn (due to our good friend COVID lol). and finishing things makes me happy, so I will finish sooner rather than later. scenes in this chapter are pretty much all reimaginings of things that happened in the book. some dialogue is verbatim from the book as well


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yet another take on the ending scene. this is probably it for now, all! thanks for being so kind. hope you enjoyed :)

John Grady was tired. He ached from riding so long and even though the pain in his leg was months old now it still coursed through him like an iron. He wished Alejandra had said yes. Then he would have somewhere to go. A life to live. But he could not even imagine what it would have been like. The judge and the preacher had been kind to him and he hadn’t been that long without food. Even so, he was beginning to weaken.  
Come on, old boy, he whispered to the horse. Just a little further.   
He pulled his hat down against the setting sun and put the horses forward across a ditch. The lights of the town shimmered over the plains in the distance and he rode along the creek running to the east of them. Up ahead he saw the pasture fence he was looking for and he leaned down against the horse’s neck and told him to go on up to it.

He didn’t know what he would say when he got there. Maybe just a hello. A did you miss me? But he knew the answer to that one. Before he knew it he was at the fence. He could see the house past the trees and a wave of nervousness went through him. He slipped down from the horse gingerly, holding the ropes of the others until he’d hitched them all to to the fence.   
When he reached the house there was a light on in Rawlins’ room. He whistled and Rawlins came to the window and froze a minute as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He was down in a minute through the kitchen door.   
That you, bud?  
John Grady’s throat got tight. He took his hat off. Yeah, it’s me, he said. I figured you might wanted your horse back.   
Rawlins walked around him to get him in the light, as if he were something rare.   
Damn, he said. Sum buck. You got junior with you?  
He’s standin down yonder. John Grady pointed to the fence.   
Sum buck.   
They made their way back down to the fence. Rawlins couldn’t help but notice that John Grady was walking slowly, favoring his right leg.   
You’re limping, he said.   
Yeah. It ain’t nothin.   
What happened?  
I’ll explain later.   
Okay.   
You can just untie Junior from the Blevins horse. I had em together for easy riding.   
You still got this sumbitch? said Rawlins, patting the bay’s neck.   
Yep. I’ll tell you everything once we get somewhere. Long story short I don’t know what to do with him. 

They mounted up and rode out to the far reaches of the pasture. They sat at the base of some old trees they used to watch the stars under and rolled cigarettes, letting the horses graze. When John Grady finished telling what had happened since they parted he looked up. Rawlins was just looking at him in shock.   
You got shot, he said.   
Yeah.   
Did it hurt?  
No, dumbass, said John Grady sarcastically. Yeah it hurt. He took a pull on his cigarette.   
Damn, said Rawlins.   
It ain’t that bad anymore.   
Bad enough for you to limp, aint it?  
Well, yeah. What’ve you been up to?  
Nothin much. Stayin around here mostly. I never did go back to school.   
I didn’t imagine you would. I’m sorry.   
It’s all right. He paused. I’ve been seeing Betty, he said.   
Betty Ward?  
Yeah.   
John Grady nodded. Well, he said. You tell her what Blevins did to her picture?  
Yeah. That’s what got us talking again.   
That’s good, said John Grady. I’m happy for you.   
I appreciate that, said Rawlins. He didn’t smile. He was sitting with his cigarette between his lips, fumbling with a piece of grass in his hands. He looked up and took the cigarette from his mouth.   
I missed you, he said. Damn, bud. I missed you so much.   
I missed you too, said John Grady.   
Rawlins hugged him. John Grady was so tired it was all he could do not to sink down on his shoulder and never get up. He closed his eyes, felt Rawlins running his hand over the loose fabric of his shirt as if it were all he had to hang onto.   
Stay here, he said.   
At your all’s place?  
Sure.   
I cant.   
Why can’t you.   
Well first off, I don’t reckon your daddy would take too kindly to it. Someone else in the house he’s got to feed.   
Rawlins took John Grady’s arm again and looked at him pleadingly. It’ll be fine, he said. He knows you.   
He knows I’m the reason his son ran off to Mexico for six months.   
Bud.   
I can’t, Lacey.   
You could work out here. We’d figure something out.   
John Grady shook his head. I can’t, he said.  
There’s just so much we didn’t get to do, said Rawlins. His eyes were wet. I wanted to work with you. Do stupid stuff like we used to. Go dancing or something. I just wanted to be with you.   
John Grady brushed the hair away from Rawlins’ forehead and tried to smile. I want that just as much as you do, he said. Like how we used to talk about bein cowboys together. Havin a spread of our own. It ain’t real though. We can’t have it here and we can’t have it anywhere. Not you and me. You know what I’m sayin?  
Yeah. Rawlins looked down. I know what you’re sayin.   
I reckon we’d get into some kind of trouble, said John Grady. He laughed sadly and squeezed Rawlins’ hand. Rawlins only grimaced and wiped his eyes.   
You movin on then? he said.   
I guess so.   
Be safe. Again.   
I’ll try and do better at that this time.

**Author's Note:**

> So this takes place after they split with Blevins but before they arrive at La Purisima. The source novel is amazing, if you haven’t read it def go do that. I know the writing on this fic isn’t firstclass or anything, this was just a little scenario exploration. These characters just give me joy. Anyway. I hope y’all enjoyed!


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